In our first conversation, Dom and I did not
talk about race. A young African
American husband—not even thirty yet!—and new father, he doesn’t lead with race
the way another partner in conversation, Todd Wooten, did. Is that generational? It is, of course, my first question.
SUSAN: Interracial dating/mating
doesn't seem like such a big deal in the younger generation--true?
DOM: This is a perfectly timed question because
since you and I have decided to have this discussion, it's been on my mind quit
a bit. Over the Halloween weekend, at my party, I presented a similar question
to a room of equally divided black men and women. In fact, my question was
directed to the black women in the room. I asked: How do you feel when you see
a black man with a white woman. Of the five women present, three replied they
have an "issue" with it. The other two said "so what?" I
asked the same question to the guys and they all replied it wasn't a big deal.
Then I flipped the question and asked how they
felt about a black woman with a white man. Only one woman had a problem with it
and once again, none of the guys seemed to mind.
It wasn't a scientific survey but 60% of the
women were not cool with a black man dating a white woman yet nobody really
cared when it was a black woman with a white man. You and I both discussed this
when we had lunch at Maxie's but there is still a resistance amongst black
women to accept black men dating white women. Very interesting.
SUSAN: Oh, yes! I was
shocked at the vehemence of the black female response to that New York Press
essay I wrote on being with black men.
They kept using the term “our men” referring to the “brothers.” When I ask white women what they think
when they hear the phrase “our men”—they say “the troops.” It is a totally different mindset. I note that everyone at your party was
black. No white friends? No interracial couples?
DOM: Mostly all my guy pals are black. I do have
one really good buddy who is white.
They are each dating members of their respective races. Quite boring,
huh?
SUSAN: It is a little discouraging to
hear how little “integration” has taken place in the
social circle of a young urban black man!
Have you been with women of different races? is there a sexual
difference by race?
DOM: I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I've only
been with black and Hispanic women. I've never had much success with white or
Asian women.
SUSAN: Do you think there is a difference in the way black men and white
men approach sex?
DOM: This one is tough because I don't have a good
reference point when it comes to the way white guys approach sex. I tend to
think how guys approach sex has more to do with their own confidence level
versus race. If a guy is confident with himself sexually, he will be more direct
in his approach. A guy who is timid and insecure will have that approach. But
that has nothing to do with race.
SUSAN: Yes, I agree with you—sexual confidence is key. But, as I’ve said before, black men
seem to have more of that commodity; and they don’t lose their sexual mojo
after age forty like so many white guys do. African American culture supports male sexuality more than
white American culture does—but, ironically, African American culture doesn’t
seem all that supportive of black women’s sexuality. Maybe this is the true crux of their rage.
Do you think black men are
better in bed?
DOM: I love this question. Although I’m tempted to
say "of course", I think this one falls into the "it
depends" category. If we're speaking about cock size then yes, I think
black men probably do provide more pleasure in bed. However if we're talking
about diversity in the bedroom, I know a lot of black guys who have
"limits". A lot of black men will draw the line with going down or
anallngus. But white guys are usually proud to say they do everything. It's
because of my willingness to do it all that I'm particularly successful with
black women. I let them know from
the get-go that I'm down for almost anything and that I totally eat the pussy.
SUSAN: (Laughing.) Yes, that
works with most women. But I have
to challenge you on the cock size issue.
Statistically, the average black penis is a mere fraction of an inch
larger than the average white penis—a negligible difference.
Go back to the results of the penis surveys, his and hers. Black men sometimes complain about the
penis size myth, but they perpetuate it.
Perhaps because they have access to glimpses in locker rooms and rest
rooms, white men don’t buy into the myth anymore. They should be grateful for Civil Rights, yes?
You have the stats on your side regarding sexual variations. Black men (and women too) are less
likely to engage in oral sex, anal sex and other forms of sex play than white
men and women. (But, in my personal experience, black men have been more than happy to eat the pussy.) Some black women
have told me that they suffer from the double whammy: church and the cultural image of the hot “jungle” woman that
they feel they must live down. Yes,
it’s true: white girls will do anything when properly motivated. (Laughing.) I don’t know how you missed making connections with one or
two of us—but you are happily married to a beautiful black woman now.
Many black guys over
forty seem to be really invested in being "bigger and better" than
white men in bed. But is that true
for you young turks? Do you care
so much?
DOM: Older men, over 50, may be more
interested in being better at "relationships" because they may want
to settle down and get comfortable. But I think young guys will forever want to
be "better" in bed. All my male friends go to the gym for one
purpose: stamina—not because they want to run the
marathon unless you're referring to the Pussy Marathon. But young guys have a
need to be Bedroom Champions. It's what I alluded to in a previous interview;
men treat sex like a sport and I don't know any man who doesn't want to be the
MVP.
SUSAN: Race adds a little edge to the
competition. I’m sure black women
will be happy to hear that their men
turn to relationship after age fifty. Hang in there, sisters—or expand your circle of
opportunity.
I see black women’s
fierce possessiveness of their men as
a deep emotion coming from the place of scarcity. Black women who realize that they are attractive to men of
many races aren’t so protective of their turf. I compare it to the way some older white women felt a generation
ago about the younger women who were “stealing” their men, i.e., old white guys. The Cougar revolution has changed the way women over forty
view their options and, frankly, many of us have no interest in old white guys
anymore.
What do you think motivates
black women’s anger?
I DON'T HAVE A FREAKIN CLUE!!!!!!! I was
hoping you could clarify that for me. I asked them that and they gave me the
cliché answer, the "because its just not fair" speech. But that's not
a reason, at least not an intelligent one. Then again, when it comes to sex, I
think "intelligence" holds little weight. I'm just waiting for an
irate white woman to jump out and maul a black woman for "stealing" a
white man. That would be epic. EPIC!
OH, MY....I couldn’t possibly
top that one. The rest of the
Maxie’s conversation that I promised today is coming Thursday.
