SexyPrime, a blog by Susan Crain Bakos

Uptown, Downtown Thursday Night

And you can make both eventsThursday August 21 because the timing is perfect.

Uptown, from 6:30 to 8:30 at my favorite upscale style emporium for men and women, N Boutique, (114 W. 116th Street), Alexthemagazine.com is presenting an event that will be fun for you and good for others:  Come shop with R&B singer Mashonda and The Lorenzo Jackson Foundation Inc.  Shopping and charity!  It's like a guilty pleasure with the guilt removed--plus there's a celeb in the store.  RSVP to the N website.

The Foundation's mission is to inspire young people living with HIV/AIDS to move forward in pursuing their lives.  Their immediate goal is to raise a million dollars by September 29, 2008, to help send deserving kids to college.  They are asking everyone to donate a dollar (more, if you can) to the cause and pass the request along to friends and family.  If you can't come to N with your dollar, contact The Foundation through the link above or call 347-482-5087 or mail your donation to:  The Lorenzo Jackson Foundation, 435A, Suite A, Brooklyn, New York, 11238

Hor d' oeuvres provided by Massawa Restaurant, Ethiopian honey wine by Sheba Te'j, live entertainment by Rain.

Then grab your shopping bags and head downtown to Happy Ending Lounge (302 Broome Street) for free cupcakes and InThe Flesh Erotic Reading series, beginning at 8 (and lasting usually til 11-ish), hosted by Rachel Kramer Bussel, editor of the new anthology Spanked:  Red-Cheeked Erotica.  Some of the anthology's authors will read.  There will also be readings from erotic poetry and a novel.  And you can buy a copy of the book which Rachel will autograph.  (Scroll down to the entry "Late Summer Treats" to see the fab cover.)

Intercoures: The Stories and The Missionary Position Twist

And, if you are an exceptional writer, you need not have been there to make it real.

Last night (after watching an episode of AMC's "Mad Men," my only TV must-see this summer) I read a delicious collection of short stories by one of my favorite authors:  Intercourse by Robert Olen Butler.  He is one of the few literary authors who writes wildly creative and sensual erotic scenes.  If you haven't read any of his books, start with this slim volume in which the reader is privy to the intimate thoughts of couples having sex.  Did you ever wonder what Adam and Eve were thinking when they did it?  Or Charles and Diana?  Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir?  George and Laura, Bill and Hill?  Butler has imagined it for us.

Speaking of intercourse,  several readers of the entry, "Sometimes It Beats Breakfast", have asked for more direction on the open missionary position.  Here goes:

The Open Missionary Position
(For Babes Who Want More Power)

In the classic missionary position, you are on your back, his body is between your legs, which may be wrapped around his waist or his neck.  Or you may have your feet against his chest.  (There are a number of variations on this and other classic positions in The Sex Bible For Women.)

In the open missionary, wrap one leg around his waist.  The other leg is free so you can leverage the position--giving you greater impact on the depth and angle of penetration and the speed of thrusting.   I like to start with leg bent at the knee, foot on the bed--and then move that leg to different positions as the mood changes.  Favorites:  Throw it over his shoulder or lying partially on my side, wrap it low beneath his buttock.

Keep one side of the missionary position open--and you change the dynamics.
Sometimes we want to be ravished; and sometimes we want more control.

Meet Ali Abdullah--and A Sale At N

New section:  What's Happening in My Harlem 'Hood! 

Some of my downtown Manhattan readers (and people from all over planning visits to the city) have asked me what's happening uptown.  In revitalized Central Harlem, the most eclectic 'hood in Manhattan, a lot is happening all the time.  If you've read the blog a while, you know that I hang out at Native restaurant on 118th and Lenox Avenue.  When you're in Harlem, stop by there in the early evening hours on weeknights this fall and you may catch me talking to the neighbors about their sex lives.

Two blocks downtown at 114 w. 116th Street is N, a sophisticated upscale boutique that looks and feels like a shop in Paris.  I thought it was named after one of the owners, the lovely Nikoa, but N is actually an abbreviation of "in Harlem, in crowd, in style."  And it brings together designer clothing, hand-made jewelry and fragrances (and cosmetics) for women and men.  This weekend, Saturday and Sunday, they're having a special sale:  Bring 'N a Friend Weekend.  Bring someone who hasn't shopped at N before--and you both get a 15% discount off your purchases.  (You have to mention the offer.)  I will keep you posted on upcoming events at the store, which has become a lifestyle and arts event destination for the 'hood.

And my dear young friend Ali Abdullah has a new blog:  Map'nOut with Ali "A's" Abdullah.  (It's fun reading--and will show you Harlem's great heart too.)  This photo was taken at a summer event for inner city kids where Ali was handing out cream.

Not yet 25, Ali has been a community leader and activist for years.  His organization, The 5th Avenue Sports League, has a mission:  to encourage positive spiritual, mental and physical development in inner city youths and adults.  They organize basketball games and championship events (and mentoring and role model programs) involving sports figures and business leaders.  Ali never fails to support a good cause.  From AIDS walk to fund-raising events for breast cancer--he is there.

I'll be checking in with Ali regularly to report what he is doing to help make the world a better place--especially as we move into the holiday season.  (And on a lighter note, I will interview him and get his thoughts and observations on subjects like sex and athletes.)

Rebecca and the Big Toy--Part Two

Rebecca's story of the Big Toy won't wrap up today.  She got distracted by the desire to provide you with some useful info about vibes.  (Good distraction, Rebecca.)  So you have to wait another week for the hilarious conclusion to this story--but Part 2 is well worth your time.

Here's Rebecca:

At the end of Part One, I was in a quandary—sitting on the floor, half naked, eating ice cream and staring at the largest dildo my money could (and did) buy. I will let you sit with that image for a minute. Oh yeah, I look fantastic when I am harried.

 

I gave the aforementioned Dildo a name: " IT”. IT was too big, too much and far too expensive. My mind was foggy, clouded by the sugar rush and lack of sexual release.  What could I do with IT that would make me feel the investment was justified?

 

I imagined It under glass on the mantle as I explained to my guest “Yes, that is a new “ Insert Artist Name “ piece. IT is part of the artist statement of how sexuality has influenced our everyday lives.”  

 

Blah, blah, blah Artistic vulgarity believable, anyone? Anyone?

 

My cat, Patience, lovely albeit angry ungrateful wench that she is, came over. Yes, for a clear minute I thought …cat toy!! Patience, hit IT a few times with her paw. . Cats have a way of looking at you like you are a complete idiot while demanding to be fed at the same time. She did that.

 

IT in hand, I stood up to get the cat food.  Where to put IT? I looked around my apartment. In the corner by the door, stood my trusty Mag Instrument S4D016 Black Heavy Duty 4 D-Cell Flashlight. 16.9 x 4.9 x 2 inches, 4 pounds.

 

Every man has a metal baseball bat by his door for home protection. I had a MAG Flashlight, slick reliable, able to provide a solid light source and a good sound smack, if needed. 

 

IT had a new home, right next to my Mag. As IT sat there it didn’t look odd and out of place.  IT actually looked smaller, kind of sort of, maybe. I made a mental note: Think of some plan to rid my self of IT. So I did what any New York woman would do_-I put IT firmly out of my mind...for the moment...and vowed to do some research.

 

 

I am lucky to live in a big city, with options. What do horny people do when they live in the boondocks? How does one make an informed choice about what to do with IT when they end up dissatisfied with their purchase?

 

Mulling over these and other questions, I decided to call Rachael Venning of Babeland to get the Sex Toy 101. 

 

Where do you recommend buying Sex Toys?  What do you look for in a store that carries these products? (This part is a shameless plug) What are the various questions one should ask before buying a vibe or dildo?

 

If you don’t have a cute shop in your town, please visit babeland.com. The site is very fun and we carry all the best toys, with new ones continually being added to the site.

 

One key question is “will I use it for penetration, clitoral stimulation or both?” Consider your budget- in general you get what you pay for, but a novice may want to try a variety of less expensive toys to explore and discover what she most enjoys.

 

 

What is the difference between vibes and dildos ?

 

Anything that vibrates, even if it is shaped for penetration, is a vibe. The dildos have no motors, they are hand (or in the case of strap-ons, hip-) powered. My favorite vibes are rechargeable (no batteries to replace) and made of hygienic materials. The programmable Sasi Vibe, and the wearable We Vibe are two of the most exciting products out there now. Dildos made from silicone, glass, wood or metal not only feel good, but are lovely sculptural objects as well.

 

Some vibes are small and designed just for clitoral stimulation; others can go inside for vaginal or G-spot stimulation. And some- like the famous Rabbit Habit- do both, at the same time.

 

How big do they get? Ridiculous question but I have to ask.

 

Dildos get quite enormous! But most of the toys Babeland sells are around

6 inches

long.

 

Are they dangerous?

No.

 

How do you clean?

Warm water and soap.

 

 

Babeland doesn’t offer a recycling program. But I have found—drumroll!-- www.sextoyrecycling.com. I will offer you more info on this program in future articles but it sounds exciting. I particularly love the section on Eco Friendly Alternatives.

 

 

 

For info on Babe land’s sex toy material, please read:

http://www.babeland.com/shoppingadvice/sextoymaterials/view?searchterm=sex%20toy%20materials

 

The best article for you to read (it covers just about everything):

http://www.babeland.com/shoppingadvice/vibeadvice/view?searchterm=cleaning%20a%20sex%20toy

 

 

There is list of brands that Babeland buys our sex toys from.  These companies ensure quality materials, designs, and customer satisfaction.

http://www.babeland.com/brands

 

Babeland has a lot of information or “how tos” on choosing the perfect toy, harness, and lube here:

http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/choose-a-vibrator

http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/choose-harness

http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/choose-lube

http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/choose-anal-toy

http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/choose-a-dildo

 

 

This is all “ shit and giggles “ but on a serious note. 

Did you know that sex toys in general are illegal in  Alabama and, until recently, in Alabama and Texas. (Insert ironies here)? It could get you arrested, prosecuted and convicted for up to two years. 

 

As I finished my pint of chocolate Haagen Daz, my W.T.F. moment had passed. A recycling program did not exsit until recently and I still had IT in the corner of my living room. More on that next week.

 

 

 

 

 

Hit This Link

Last week I was discovered by my sister babes at Club Double.  What is CloubDouble?  They are all about sex and shopping.  Does it get better than that?

They did a fun interview with me:  Six Questions with Susan Crain Bakos.

Click on the link and check it out.

Sometimes It Beats Breakfast

I met The Boy for breakfast this morning at Friend of a Farmer in Gramercy Park.  He was just back from a business trip to L.A. where he also managed to get a little sun--and one of those modified Brad Pitt haircuts where the hair can either be spiked up a bit or combed down corporate.  Sexy.  But this was just breakfast.  I dismissed him as a lover--and he, me--a while ago.  ("You have commitment issues," he said.  "I think your mother might be younger than I am," I said.)

We ordered iced coffees and I thought:  How delicious he looks with that slight sunburn making his brilliant blue eyes pop even bluer.

"Your blouse is unbuttoned low," he said.

"It always is," I said.

He moved his chair closer and put his hand on my knee.  I noticed his erection and smiled.  He stood, threw a $20 bill on the little table, took my hand; and we walked quickly to his apartment.

I pulled off my black skirt and panties as he removed his jeans.  Unbuttoning his white shirt with one hand, he gently (yet with command) shoved me down on his bed with the other.  Knees bent, I opened my legs, waiting for him to put his head between them, his usual first move and the place he would stay until I said:  Fuck me now. 

Well, he came back from LA with more than a tan and a haircut--individualized packs of lubricant, a new variety of condoms--and a new trick.

The Boy pulled a packet of silky lubricant from his nightstand and massaged it around my clit, into my labia and then swirled a generous finger-full inside my vagina.  He knelt between my legs, took his lovely erection into his hand and teased the tip and sides of my clit.  I moved toward him; he pulled back.  He stroked my labia with the head of his penis and returned to the clit, bringing my arousal up slowly.

But a Cougar can only be teased by the head of a penis for so long before her sex nerve endings are screaming for more.  I wrapped on leg around his waist, pulling him inside me.  He thrust deep, hard and fast for a few strokes, simultaneously playing with my clit and giving me the first orgasm--and then eased up.   Under his deft direction, we moved from this open missionary position--with my other leg remaining bent, foot on the bed--into the female superior, the reverse cowgirl [Just spin around on his dick and face his feet, Babes.} and finally back to the missionary with both legs wrapped around his waist as he drove his orgasm home.  Oh, yes, it was good! 

I can't believe that I once thought his athletic management of multiple positions per session was turning sex into a bit of an amateur Olympics event.  What was I thinking?  It's the specialty of the house, like the burgers at Molly's Shabeen or the fig and proscuitto flat bread at Olives' bar.  Why would I want anything else than what The Boy does best in his own bed?

Running late for an interview with a journalist on The Sex Bible For Women, I discarded my sweaty shirt that I hadn't taken the time to remove and borrowed his white one to belt over my black skirt.

As I was applying lipstick, he said, "I thought you'd be back.  I bought a toy for you."

Well, I've got one of his Ralph Lauren white shirts now.  So I have to take it back, yes?

Redefining Sexual Freedom

Most of you seem to prefer emailing me to posting on the blog.  The pieces on female sexual empowerment have elicited a large email response.  I talked to my guest blogger Rebecca about my desire to post some of them--anonymously, of course; and she suggested the title for the section:  RAMBLINGS.

I love it.

(Now Rebecca--and anyone else?--ideas for a graphic to illustrate Ramblings?  how about this flower?)

 

From an email sent by an entrepreneur and feminist:

"It is interesting that we do not associate our sexuality with being free.  Instead we connect emancipation with freeing ourselves from an intrinsic part of ourselves--our sexual desires and longings.  We feel like we have to repress our sexuality to succeed in the world, to be respected by other women as well as men. 

"Women, like other oppressed groups, have taken on the behaviors of the oppressors!"

It's All About Her Sex Drive!

"For a woman who looks like that and doesn't know much about her husband--this relationship has to be about her sex drive,"  Matthew Weiner, creator of AMC's "Mad Men" series on Betty Draper, the character played by beautiful actress January Jones.

If you're watching "Mad Men" season two (and it is the only show I am watching this summer), you know that Betty's sex drive is shifting into higher gear.  Intrigued by learning that her old roommate is a call girl, this well-married mother of two--who looked great in her Valentine's Day sexy lingerie though husband Don suffered performance failure--got her smoldering flirt on with an auto mechanic and a guy on a horse.  Will the married sex heat up?

Well, maybe.

The research shows that desire falls off in new relationships somewhere between 18 months and three years--and that women actually lose interest in sex when they feel secure with their man. So much for that theory on female sexuality opening like a flower in the warm rays of the emotional sun that is soul mate love.  (Read in depth about the science of desire and arousal--including research only published here-- in The Sex Bible For Women.)  A magic desire pill for re-igniting female desire does not yet exist.

I have a theory about why so many women lose interest in sex:  It doesn't work that well for them.  They aren't reaching orgasm regularly and reliably--not even through masturbation, which many women shun if they are "in a relationship."  (Babes, you really need my books!) 

A new study from the Kinsey Institute intrigues me.  (Click on link to go to report on study.) Most previous studies linked age, education, socioeconomic factors, religious background and other demographics with women's loss of desire and other sex problems.  This one looked at the connection between sexual inhibition and sexual dissatisfaction and found that "the strongest predictors of reports of sexual problems were women's sexual inhibition scores."

If we can help women overcome their inhibitions about their bodies, masturbating, playing with sex toys, touching their own clits during intercourse, asking for what they want and need sexually--we also empower them sexually.

As for Betty Draper, she looks like she has overcome any little inhibition that might have held her back--and I'm staying tuned to see just how much she shakes up her married world. 

The Quickie Threesome: You, Your Lover and SaSi

Women sometimes challenge me when I say that Quickies can work for them too.

"But it takes so long for me to get aroused."  "I can't go from zero to 100--well, not without a Hitachi Magic Wand."  "Quickies are just for men; you're lying if you say they can work for us too."

Yes, you can come in a Quickie!  (What's wrong with using the Hitachi briefly to take you from zero to 50 or 60 or 70 before you start?)  Today, however, put your Hitachi aside--and I know how difficult that can be--and let's turn this Quickie into another kind of threesome.

First. spend a few intimate moments with my new friend SaSi, the vibe with "Sensual Intelligence Technology."  Translation:  You play with it and it figures you out, programming itself to please you better next time in your response pattern to its movements with little rotating nubs. 

SaSi provides undulating clitoral stimulation--in a rhythmic fashion that feels like oral sex.

You like it hard and fast?  Slow and easy?  SaSi gets it.  You don't even have to tug it's ears to direct its head.

Bonus:  you can get a free bottle of massage oil if you purchase SaSi at Babeland now. (Break your SaSi in before using it as the warm-up act for your Quickie.)

Sex toy reviewer Ann Whidden calls SaSi "the best thing to happen to sex since tongues."  I like that line.  Who doesn't need a smarter tongue in her life?

If you want a "spontaneous" Quickie, slip into the bedroom or bathroom while s/he's putting the kids down or is minutes away in a cab--and use your SaSi to give yourself that first orgasm via cunnilingus or bring yourself to the edge, if that is your preference.

Now you are ready for your lover to drive it home--or give you that second big O.

"Open Wide"--Or, Rebecca and Her Big Toy, Part 1

Rebecca is back in fine form!

On a personal note:  I have never been a big dildo fan.  They require too much work on my part.  (Where's the damn power switch?) I much prefer vibes.  Aside from my beloved Rabbits and some G spot vibes, I also usually prefer to be penetrated by the real thing, a nice, big, warm and responsive cock that I can feel throbbing inside me.  But, as you know, I love vibe play--alone and with a partner--using a variety of models on my clit and surrounding area, even labia and my nipples.

We all have our preferences; and I send women to the Babeland stores and website because there is something for everyone--and the quality of the products, information and service is excellent.

Here is Rebecca (and wait until you read part two next week:

Open Wide.

Well you know that every woman has had a moment where she gives up on men. The feminist or the nilhist told me that men are irreverent. In short, someone pissed me off and I was PROFOUNDLY disappointed.

Reading the SCUM Manifesto by Valerie Solanas in the repressive summer heat of

New York

intensified my mood. So I cut the cord and eliminated that need for men in my life. I went out to purchase Dil Doul, an Olisbos, a phallic imitator

First, I went to my favorite “gossip spot” Leatherman. NYC—a familiar “home” long before other sex shops opened. Leatherman is, however, decidedly boy-centric, but the salesmen are funny, approachable and informed. After some shit and giggles, they referred me to Babes and Toyland.   I overheard a conversation including the phrases “ this is for “ and “Fisting is….”—said while the sales clerk was waving a gigantic, arm like item in the air—and I made a hasty exit to the store for girls.

 
Babes in Toyland is like a luxury car dealership for Dildo shopping. I wanted the latest model that was fully loaded. A luxury model the fantasy, my fantasy. . Rather than dealing with the real-life biggest dick I would purchase myself one. Fantastic!!!

Like Leather man, everyone at Babeland was is informed and they liked to share. “Did you want me to suggest some items to you?” the salesperson asked.  She walked me through all the models, their various features and maintaince.

My response was; “ Is this the biggest one you have?” The salesgirl raised her eyebrow, looked over her glasses, squinted and in a very professional manner suggested that I stick with this option first and upgrade after I put this model through it paces. In hindsight, I recognize that she did suggest other. perhaps more appropriate options, but I declined.

I took myself out to a nice dinner, went home, put on some music. I was wearing my sexy bra. No need to break my normal dating, sex routine. I run through my mind some old sexual scenario that I’d stored in the mental file. It is on!!!!

Now I was excited and ready for some penetration. I lubed that baby up, rubbed and pushed, fondled, rubbed--and I pushed. Hmm, it felt good; it felt nice. I felt good, I felt nice—but hmmm.. The fight was a little tight. No problem, first time. I tried again. Too tight—but I was breaking in my plastic, so to speak.

I started to consider. …This fucker didn’t fit. I tried and my body was rejecting the dildo. My vagina was like “ Oh no this won’t go. The only thing that size in my vagina should be on its way down the birth canal after 7 to 9 months—and proceeded by an epidural.

I sat on the floor with a pint of chocolate Haagen Dazs and contemplated my dilemma—realizing that I’d been a little slow on the sarcasm uptake. Hell, I was hot horny and frustrated. I was so pleased with myself when I bought that Dick for 70.00.  Now that time had passed. I moved from being horny/ empowered to feeling ridiculous, but still empowered.

 So then I wondered: "What the hell does I do with this thing, now." You can’t return a dildo to the store. I can’t simply throw it our in the trash. I can’t re -gift it. It is too obviously a penis to be used as a knick-knack on my mantle.

Now this is the conundrum folks…

 Next week: I will give you some tips for buying, then recycling and ridding yourself of your faux Phallus’—but more importantly I am going to tell you what happened with my Dick. I will also discuss Penis size and my obsession with it.

 

I apologize for last week.