Ah, the holiday season. My email box runneth over with letters from readers who are not happy with their sex lives or sex partners—or can’t stop whining about their impediments to good sex, ranging from exes and in-laws to fat thighs and the inability to afford silk lingerie. The motto for some people: Blame anything, blame someone, but don’t take responsibility for your own pleasure. Oddly, many sound rather peevish during this season of supposed good will.
A quick tip for improving the sex and your cranky mood: For the next week, focus on giving sensual pleasure, stop worrying about receiving it.
To the questions—
Q. “My husband cheated on me with one of our neighbors. It’s true: The wife is the last to know. I want to get even with him; and I’ve been told revenge sex is the way to go. I’m planning to seduce that neighbor’s husband. How do I make revenge sex as hot as possible?” Jerrilyn, Atlanta.
A. My dear, revenge is the hobgoblin of little minds. (Ralph Waldo Emerson said it was a “foolish consistency.”) Whenever I hear about or read (or have been the target) of revenge, I think: Little person, you have nothing going on in your life or you wouldn’t have time or mental energy for this.
Seducing your husband’s lover’s husband is so romance novel/soap opera plot move. No wonder the soaps are dead. Look at the possibilities. Unsatisfying sex. He may reject you. Perhaps he will have sex with you and tell everyone how bad you are in bed. Who knows what his idea of revenge sex might be?
Let your husband know that he has opened your marriage, at least as far as you taking a lover too—but you are not acting quickly out of anger. Honey, revenge sex would make your affair all about your cheating spouse, not you. Why settle for bitter dregs when you could have a delicious romp with someone who excites you?
Q. “It has always taken me a long time to have an orgasm. I have ADD and also take an anti-depressant which makes it difficult to orgasm. I am reading about women my age, early forties, having incredible sexual life; and I long to enjoy this experience. But I have a hard time staying focused on my arousal long enough to have an orgasm. What can I do?” Radikha, Mumbai
A. You need The Orgasm Loop, available in paperback or ebook. The first step of O Loop is arousal focus. A section on orgasm and anti-depressants will be very helpful for you too. Write to me as you work on learning the technique. I will coach you via email.
Read The Orgasm Manifesto for the O Loop basics. Shortly after I wrote that, I was diagnosed with fourth stage cancer and had to give up the free workshop plan. However, if you write to me, detailing your progress and asking your questions, I am happy to reply. Alas, I can't afford to give away any more ebooks. But they only cost $9.95--a pittance for a lifetime of Os.
Q. “Why do they call it Sex Play? Sex with my wife is more work than play. Getting her into the mood. Giving her enough foreplay. Continuing to stimulate her until she finally comes. I’ve never had playful sex. Where do I get it?” John, American ex-pat living in Copenhagen.
A. If sex is work, you are both to blame for that state of affairs. Lighten up. Refuse to take responsibility for her arousal or orgasm. She doesn’t sound like an active participant in her own sex life.
Daily Sex Bible is full of tips and techniques for putting the play into sex play. Lick an armpit or an instep. Create a costume box. Learn how Cleopatra might have performed a blow job. Tango in the nude. Paint her O. DSB has 365 new sex ideas, something for every lover, from the awkward to the highly skilled. No “work” required.
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